Before you gone
by Nirain
Summary: JPC One-off


_Hair of gold and eyes like stormy seas  
You say you love me, want to marry me  
And as I'm looking for the wedding ring  
You say I don't have to spend anything_

I couldn't stop smile when you jumping excited in front of storefront with nose stuck to the glass as you watching golden rings. Rings for our wedding. I couldn't express how I was happy when one day you have asked me if I marry you, finally to ready to tie up with me for the rest of your life. It has been the most happiest and beautiful day in my whole life, day which changed everything, bringing as closer to themselves than ever before.

'I can't believe we're getting marry.' You said softly, your crystal blue eyes looked deep into mine, with love and joy. 'Not so long ago I was terrified that I may...' I walked toward you and put fingers on your lips, didn't want you to bring it back, now. We should think about our future, no about past.

'It's no time for this, John.' I said to you softly as I noticed tears in your lovely eyes. I wiped one of them from your cheek, enjoying the feeling how your skin was soft and smooth under my fingers. You were so beautiful. For me there wasn't more gorgeous creature in the whole world.

'I nearly lost you.' You whispered with voice full of sadness. I wanted to took your hands in mine, but you didn't give me a chance to do it. You walked back from me, your eyes darkened. You were angry, but I didn't know why. What I did wrong? 'Of course it's time for this, Craig. You nearly died, how you can just forget about it and pretending that it never happened?!'

'I've never pretending that it never happened, John Paul.' I said firmly, finally understanding your outburst. 'But it's past, babe. We can't still life with a past. We have to move on and focus at our common life. We're getting marry, sweetheart.' I smiled to you, but I quickly regretted it as I saw furious in your eyes.

'My sister it's a past, so I should then forget about her too?!' You cried and I shaking his head. Did you hear himself? 'And what about Kieron?!'

'You don't think clear anymore, John Paul.' I said sharply to you, having enough your changing moods. I had enough all secrets. Why we can't talk about Tina or Kieron before their death, like normal couples? I knew it has been really hard year for you, but if we want to move on we need to talk about it, break the "taboo" and everything sorting out. 'You need to accept their death, John Paul. That's a key to success.'

'I accepted it.' You said to me, but I knew you lying. You even couldn't look straight into my eyes.

'You think I'm stupid or don't know you completely?' I asked him angrily, running hand through my hair. 'You didn't accept it. If you do, you'll be for once in your mum's home. But you still can't go there, cause...you didn't accept their death.'

'I'll visit mum soon.' You said and I almost burst of laugh. Who you were kidding? 'I just didn't have too much time, recently.'

'I bet you didn't have.' I knew I shouldn't piss him off more, but I couldn't stop himself from saying it with sarcasm. We both knew what the true was. He wasn't ready to go to Hollyokas, yet.'

'Thanks for ruining me this day!' You yelled at me and walked away, didn't bother if I follow you or not.

'It's you who brought this conversation up!' I fired back to you, couldn't believe that you just ran away. It supposed to be me, the one, who is always running from the problems, not you. What's happened with John Paul who I knew and loved so much? Where is he now? 'You can't just go away, like that John Paul. What about rings?' I yelled after him, trying to stop him. We couldn't just fight again, not today.

'Do we need them yet?' You asked me coldly, even didn't bother to turn to me. Your words hurt me, badly. I didn't know why I deserve for this. 'I don't care if you buy them, or not Craig.'

'But I thought...'I started quietly, feeling as my voice was shaking with emotions. You couldn't. You just couldn't do this to me, not now...

'You didn't own me anything, Craig. Keep your money for something more important.' Your words cut my heart as a knife. I felt as tears slowly falling from my eyes marking a way along my cheeks, where not so long ago running your warm hands. I still feeling your soft kisses on them, you were so happy, your eyes shining so brightly as a gentle waters of the ocean in dimed light, attracted me to yourself more and more...but now, I've only seen a storm on them, who swallowed me more and more, slowly drowning in the azure which I loved so much. 'I even don't know if I want you marry anymore.' I closed my eyes and sobbed. Why you did this to me, John Paul? When I love you so much. I heard your steps as you walked away, leaving me alone among my shattered dreams, drowning in your azure oceans.

_Stay with me, we'll be closer than the stars  
Sunday I'll be gone  
You can wear any colors that you want  
Sunday I'll be gone_

I was sitting on our bed and observed how you walked from the bathroom to the bedroom with your clothes and small things which few minutes earlier landed in your bag, together with my hopes and desires. You were inexorable for me, you only left for me memories about you, nothing else. I didn't know whose fault was this time, that you decided to move on without me. My or yours? I didn't remember when last time we talking normally, sharing with themselves our secrets, problems and desires. I didn't remember when last time we sleep peacefully in each other's arms, didn't worry if the end of the world will come for a moment. We could die even in this moment, and we're happy. Then the most important thing for us have been aware that we have been together. And nothing more has been important for us in this moment. I wondered, where this times go? When we stopped loving each other, couldn't stand our looks, couldn't talk without screams. I was feeling like I've never before been so closer to the heaven. You have been my angel, my treasure...So why everything turned in hell? What we did wrong, John Paul? Where we made mistake that it cost us the loss of happiness and love?

'Did you see my sweater, Craig?' You asked me, speaking up to me for the first time today. I looked at you with hope that maybe not everything was loss, but your eyes told me the hard truth. There wasn't anymore us. Everything was finished. Your eyes became so cold and unknown for me. They didn't shining anymore with a glow which adding you a charm and I loved so much. You became a stranger to me, that broke my heart into pieces.

'No.' I replied shortly, looking away as I noticed tears in your eyes. It should be me who will crying not you. It was you who was moving out from my flat and life, so why are you cried? It was only your choice, sweetheart. Only yours. I wanted to cry and shouting how unfair is world, how I hate your calm, but nothing like that didn't come from me. I didn't have strength to fight for you, and tears which could fell from my eyes. You just left me without nothing. Weak and worthless.

'Do you want...?' I didn't have to look, I knew perfectly about what you were asking. Dark frame standing on the bedside cabinet with our photograph. From the time when we have been so happy and have common desires about or new life in Dublin. But everything passed by us, before one of us have noticed it.

'No, you can take it.' I replied with voice washed out of emotions. You bit his low lip didn't want to burst in tears in front of me. I saw your fingers as you touched tenderly the frame. They shaking as your pads touched me on the photography. You didn't take the photo with yourself, you left it in the same place where it has been stood before, didn't move the frame even for a millimeter.

'I can leave my blouse for you. You know...this one in which you were walking when was cold in flat.'

'I don't want. Take it with yourself.'

'But maybe...'You wanted so much to give a me a piece of yourself, to not walk away with everything were ours. But I didn't want this. Looking at them will kill me every day more than anything.

'No.' I said firmly. Earlier you didn't have to ask me about such things. We knew each other so well that we didn't need words to understand themselves. Nobody knew me so much as you, even my mum. And where are those times, now?

You sobbed quietly when you threw a blouse to the bag, knowing that it's over. You were ready to move, to left me alone. You took your bag and for the last time looked at me. I saw tears falling from yours eyes, creating long rivers on your cheeks. You stayed for moment like you were waiting that I say something or do. But I did nothing.

'Goodbye Craig.' You whispered and sobbing walked back from the room. Before I could react, words spontaneously came from my mouth.

'Don't go! Stay with me, John. Please.' I begged you, I couldn't pretending anymore that I didn't care about you. I couldn't imagine my life without you. You're my everything. 'Please.'

You stopped on the track and stopped breathing, not sure if I really wanted you to stay. Not sure if you were still welcome in my flat.

'Just for this night, John. I promise tomorrow I'll disappear from your life if you want it...Just for tonight.' You put your bag on the floor and turned toward me. For one scary moment I was sure you'll go away, but you came to me, sat down next to me and put your hand on my cheek.

'For tonight.' You whispered and I nodded. Moment later you moved closer to me and hugged to my chest. I wrapped my arms round you and closed eyes enjoying this closeness, sure that it's our last night together. Our goodbye.

_Your dad gave up on you so long ago  
Your mother is someone you do not know  
You have no money and you still get by  
Everything I say makes you cry_

'No...I just...Mum, stop talking!' You yelled to the mobile phone, nervously moving around all living room. You were again talking with you mother...or I rather said shouting at her. 'I don't want go there! No, mum!' She again wanted take you to Niall's grave, but you didn't want. The memories about what he has done to your sister, Kieron and me where still to fresh for you. You didn't want to accept he has been your brother, that the same blood as his is flowing in your veins. You were still not ready to face your demons, yet. It was too soon for it.

You hanged up and threw your mobile phone on the couch, before you sat again to the computer, trying again to find a job. I still couldn't believe you stayed that and next nights with me. Your clothes again were hanging in our wardrobe, your things standing on each furniture, welcoming me when I coming back from the work. We went together through so much problems, that you couldn't just walk away from my life. My life was your life. We knew it both.

'What your mum said?' I asked him gently above my magazine. You wiped some tears from your eyes and for briefly moment glanced at me.

'I don't want talk about it, Craig.' Came your usually response. You always didn't want to talk with me about anything. Even stupid question about weather, you were taking as an attack on your person. I didn't know about what talking with you anymore.

'You find something interesting?' I asked you, showing that I care about you. But you only sobbed louder and smashed the cup on the floor. It was your only response. Sometimes I understood our friends stupid remarks about your pregnancy. Well, at least you had whims like you were pregnant and crying almost every day, so maybe there was something in it...But I even didn't know if you want a kid, you have never wanted to discussed about it. And I...well, I didn't push you. I always thought we had times for it, but now I wondered if we ever will talk about it, seeing how our conversation looking.

I approached him and kneeled next to him, to collect the glass from the floor as I noticed your bare feet. Knowing how you were giddy sometimes, it won't take you too much time to get one of them in your foot. But when I collected two of them, you looked at me irate, like I did again something wrong.

'What are you doing, Craig?' You asked me sharply. Again the same.

'I trying to collect the glass. You can cut yourself, you know?' I looked at you shocked when you burst in tears and ran away from the living room with bleeding foot as you walked on one of the remains of glass. I told you to be careful, but like always you didn't listen me. You locked himself in our bedroom, when in the same time I went to the bathroom and removed a bandage and hydrogen peroxide from the aid kit. But before I could help my lover, my mobile phone rang. I answered and opened my mouth surprised as I heard Myra's voice.

'Hello, love.' She greeted me, putting a smile on my face. 'Is John Paul with you?'

'He's out.' I lied, knowing that you won't talk with her. And I didn't want Myra to find out that her lovely son, didn't want to speak with her anymore. It'll hurt her more than fact that moment earlier John Paul hanged up. 'Something happened?'

'Just tell John Paul that his father will be in town for few days, so if he change his mind, he has a chance to meet with him, yet...I'll send his address later, love.' So it wasn't about Niall, this time.

'Course, Myra. I'll tell him.' I promised and hid mobile phone on the pocket as she hanged up after quick goodbye. I looked sadly on the door of bedroom, understanding what you have to felt when you heard about your father. I came to the bedroom and felt as my heart hurting me as I saw you lying on the bed with bleeding foot and wet cheeks. I gently took care about you and you let me did this. I didn't say you about my conversation with Myra, knowing that you had enough worries in your head. I gently washed your injure and bandaged it, kissing softly your foot. At least I could cure although one of yours wounds.

_Stay with me, we'll be closer than the stars  
Sunday I'll be gone  
You can wear any colors that you want  
Sunday I'll be gone_

I didn't know, what to do. Cry or laugh? We again had a row, but this time he didn't listen my pleads, he just left me without a word. He packed his things again and ran away from our life, didn't bother anymore about us, about everything what was between us. I lied on bed and looked at ceiling, it was the only one thing in whole flat which we didn't share...No completely.

_What am I supposed to do  
Sit around and wait for you  
You ask for nothing and you want  
Everything_

I didn't know what to do anymore. Our flat didn't be the same since you moved out. I felt here like a stranger, couldn't find a place for myself. The silence was slowly killing me, eyes burning from constant crying. You moved week ago and didn't phone to me, not once. I just sitting on the bed torpid and waiting for you. I even didn't know if you want to see me again, to touch me again. I know nothing now. And that scared me as hell, cause I didn't know if I can function without you. You were my life, which I lost when you moved on with everything what was between us.

I didn't know when I sleep, but when woke up, someone's knocked to the door. I raised up reluctantly from the bed and walked toward front door, praying it won't be a mum. I couldn't stand her looks and speaks under the title: "I told you that it'll end!". It'll kill me completely. I opened the door ready to rid off my mum from the flat, when my eyes laid on the man from my dreams. You were standing on the threshold with hanging down head, nervously playing with his fingers. I knew if you spoke up to me now, his voice will fail you. I lift your chin and looked deep into your azure's eyes, feeling like I came back to home. You were my home, John Paul. Only you.

You wanted to say something, but you were too nervous. You didn't know where you stand, if I let you came back to me. I took your arm and felt how you tensing under my touch, like you were afraid that I'll push you or hit. Before you had chance to escape again from me, I pulled you into tight embrace, promising myself that I won't let you go away. Even if I keep you with myself only for a short time, before you again will want to ran away after our another row and our future was still unsurely. It'll worth to try again.

_You want to take another photograph  
Say it makes you think of me  
If it only took a photograph  
I think you'd still be here with me_

'Oh, come on Craig! Just one picture!' You begged me, jumping excited with digital camera in hand. I did everything to ride you off from this idea, but nothing helped. You were relentless. 'I don't have any one!' You complained, making this childish mine which always made me laugh.

'You have my photographs. In whole bedroom!' I said to you and smiled as you laughed and your eyes shining as before. With love and joy, with the same glow which I loved so much.

'Yes, you have with me!' You snorted and tilted toward me, kissing on the nose. 'I want a photography where you'll be alone. I want something what will remind me of you.'

'Don't you want too much?' I asked you amused, kissing you fully in lips.

'One picture and I do what you want, Craig.' You said with very seductive voice and I couldn't believe that not long ago you walked back from my life. It's crazy. 'But in park, Craig. It's very lovely day.'

'If you want it so much, come on then.' I sighed and took the jacket from the hanger. 'And you really do everything what I want?' I asked him as my arm sneaking around his waist.

'Yes...But one quick question. Why Michael send me sms with contest: _Girl or boy? _I bit my lip to not burst of laugh. You glanced at me suspiciously with a smirk.

'If I not answer, you'll leave me again?'

'No. I've never do this again.' You said firmly and I trusted you. I knew you couldn't lie to me. Not now.

'Come on, John.' I urged you and grabbed your hand, pulling you toward the door. You smiled widely to me, your eyes became more bright than ever before. Did I tell you how much I love your smile?


End file.
